Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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