Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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