all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Fuck me I smell like cheese
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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