Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
