I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Actions speak louder than pants.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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