Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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