i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
