Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
