i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
