I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
