Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
