I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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