her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
