Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
