I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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