I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I had to cum in my sink.
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