I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
