I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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