U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
