Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize