take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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