There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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