My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
