literally had 100 drinks last night.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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