Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
