If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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