So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
