Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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