Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
