I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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