I faked an abortion last night.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
