The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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