Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
