Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i believe in u and ur pee
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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