so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
