gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
