I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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