I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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