Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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