I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
