All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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