i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
