the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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