Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
