Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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