He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize