He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
