He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
