Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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