not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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