I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
