i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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