Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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