She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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