you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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