hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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