k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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