Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
