just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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