We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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