My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
