Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
