i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize