Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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