I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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