Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
