I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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