bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
